The Dating Game
by Uchiha Xairylle
Summary: Sasuke is not losing to Itachi again. Well, perhaps some other time, yes, but not this time. SasuSaku with a bit of crack.


**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto, any of its characters or components

**The Dating Game**

By Uchiha Xairylle

---

"I'm nervous!" Lee's knees were shaking and Gai noted that. He looked at his student who was now all shaky and sweaty as if having undergone three hundred thousand sit ups so he put his hands on Lee's shoulders and said, "Lee, there's nothing you can't do if you put your mind and heart into it. It's the power of youth!"

"Sir Gai!" Lee's eyes brimmed with tears.  
"Lee!" Gai burst out and they hugged.

Great. Sasuke could like _see_ the sun setting right _there_. And, yes, he is trying _hard_ to ignore the imaginary sound of the waves hitting the rocks that the scene made him feel. Other than puking, yes, that was what he felt. But it wasn't like he was here for them. Oh, no.

Sasuke looked sternly at "his prize".

"I... am... keeping... my... eye on you... ITACHI!" Sasuke was gritting his teeth, wanting to sink his fists into his brother's face. He had been holding himself back for hours already.

_Power of youth my ass!_

Itachi said nothing and he looked away, ignoring Sasuke. The Uchiha boy fumed in anger, aiming a Chidori at Itachi but decided not to. He had tried jamming those thousand birds at "wonderful" oniichan's gut back then and failed… miserably. Really, he could try again (as in now) but the scary stare he received from Tsunade a while ago forbade his charka to seep out. Scary old Godaime.

Lee was here because he wanted to date Sakura. Sasuke was here because he heard Itachi was here. But why the hell was Itachi here!

This was a dating game, for crying out loud! What was Itachi doing here!

The studio crew then announced that the game will soon be starting and led them into three cubicles. Sasuke was glaring at Itachi who was still ignoring him. 

Screw this means of entertainment.

The studio lights opened up and Sasuke blinked. The speakers boomed in sound and the audience cheered as the dating game kicked off with an introduction from the host, the Godaime Tsunade.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are here to find a suitable dating partner for my young student, Haruno Sakura!" Tsunade announced. Sakura stood up and bowed. The audience clapped.

It's not like he wanted to date Sakura. Sasuke rolled his eyes away. Really, he _didn't_ have to join this dating game to _be able_ to date her. Being him is enough.

"Let's meet our searchees!" Tsunade said again and a spotlight hailed over cubicle number 1.

"Behind door number 1 is a guy nicknamed as Mr. Right!"  
"He... He... Hello..." said Mr. Right.

"LET'S GO, LEE!! SHOW THEM THE POWER OF YOUTH!!" Gai was waving a banner from the audience. So much for secret identity.

"Behind door number 2 is a guy nicknamed... Itachi??" Tsunade blinked. 

"GO GET 'EM ITACHIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!" Kisame shouted from the audience, waving a banner as large as Gai's. The Taijutsu expert glared at the shark-like being with other Akatsuki members behind him.

"He better get prize money for this." Kakuzu muttered.

"And behind door number 3 is a guy nicknamed 'I am keeping my eye on Itachi'..." Tsunade blinked, breathed in and whispered to Shizune backstage, "Where did these freaking candidates get their names!?" Shizune shrugged.

"You can do it, SASUKE-TEMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Naruto yelled with his face painted red. Ino was sitting beside Shikamaru and Kiba was yelling with Chouji.  
"Sasuke will do well." Kakashi muttered.

"I agree that the Uchiha boy has the looks but my Lee has what it takes... The burst of youth!" Gai shouted, waterfall of tears springing from his eyes and when he was satisfied with himself, he looked triumphantly at Kakashi who was busily reading "Come, Come Paradise."

"You were saying something, Gai??"

"Okay, searchees, here is your first question..." Sakura's voice drew attention, "In what word would you describe yourself."  
"Y-Y-Y-Youth." said Lee.  
"Power." said Itachi.  
"Crap, Itachi, that's all you think about!" Sasuke yelled from behind door number 3.  
"Excuse me, Mr. I-am-keeping-my-eye-on-Itachi, that's seven words." Tsunade reminded.  
"I know that!"  
"Again, describe yourself in one word." Tsunade said again.

"Avenger." Sasuke said coolly.

"You don't have the same eyes as mine." Itachi mumbled to Sasuke.  
"Who wants your crappy eyes! They make people go blind!" Sasuke muttered back.

"If you could take me on a date..." Sakura began again, "Where would you take me?"

"I... I... would take you to the most romantic place I can think of and there we will spend the entire evening from candlelit dinner to star gazing." Lee managed to say. There were murmurs from the audience.

"Mr... Uh... Searchee Number 2?" Sakura asked. There was no answer.  
"Uh... Mr... Mr. Itachi??" Sakura asked again.

"Oh, I am sorry. I was too busy recalling the way my crybaby little brother looked the day I put an end to the Uchiha clan." There was a response of loud laughter from the Akatsuki group in the audience.

"Pardon. What was the question, lovely Sakura?" Itachi asked.  
"Don't do the sweet talk on her, Itachi!" Sasuke yelled from his cubicle.  
"Mr. I-am-keeping-my-eye-on-Itachi, it's not your turn yet." Tsunade interrupted, "Anyway, where will you take Haruno Sakura on your first date, Mr... Mr. Itachi." 

It's annoying how they call him "Mr. I-am-keeping-my-eye-on-Itachi" and Itachi as, well, Itachi. Sasuke could've just blown the cubicle off for all he cared… If Tsunade's punches wouldn't hurt.

"Take you where?" Itachi muttered and laughed lowly, "I'll take you where you'll want to go... to where the satisfaction of the heart lies... To where red is vibrant... To a place where we can be together... All alone..."

Obviously, he learned creative words back in the Academy days and, boy, did he learn well.

"BASTARD ITACHI!!!" Sasuke burst out and his cubicle began to shake violently, "Just you wait when I get my hands on you!"  
"Mr. I-am-keeping-my-eye-on-Itachi, it's your turn." Tsunade said annoyingly.  
"I don't care where we go for as long as we're together, we'll be fine. That's all we need." Sasuke replied and grinned to himself. 

Sakura's going to go _so fangirly_ over _that_. Itachi can keep his eyes and creative words. He was Uchiha Sasuke and that was enough reason for Sakura to choose him.

Something to beat Itachi at!

"THAT'S OUR SASUKE!!!" Naruto formed hundreds of bunshins that began cheering for Sasuke. Gai was still waving his banner for Lee and the Akatsuki members were humming Itachi's name… Well, except for Hidan who was busy doing his timely ritual for Jashin-sama.

"Third question." Sakura said again, "What's the sexiest part of you?"

"My hair... AND MY EYEBROWS!" Lee said with his eyes lighting up, "I am proud of my eyebrows!"

"My eyes, definitely." Itachi muttered half-laughing, "Since some kid here can't have the same eyes as mine."  
"Well, I love my eyes, too!" Sasuke grunted, "At least I'm not going blind!"  
"Excuse me..." Tsunade finally asked, "But why did you join this dating game?"  
"I... I... I... I..." Lee stuttered, "... Want to go out... With Sakura-chan!"  
"GO LEE!!" Gai was screaming at the top of his lungs.  
"I need a bride to restore my clan." Itachi said.

There was a great roar of "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!" from the audience, loudest from the Akatsuki group. From there began murmurs and mouths flinging wide open. The Akatsuki members were dumbstruck but before anyone could say anything, the third cubicle burst into shreds and out came Uchiha Sasuke in flaming anger.

"I... TA... CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!" Sasuke roared and tore apart Itachi's cubicle before he shot fire from his mouth that Itachi dodged. 

Sasuke could have accepted "annoy my little brother", "diss the whole of Konoha", "need a little sister/maid/mascot/medic" or something like that. But _a bride _to restore the clan he killed with his own hands is beyond the borders of preposterous.

"I don't believe you! Tell us why you really want to win a date with Sakura-chan!" Sasuke accused Itachi, pointing at him frantically, "You're off to some scheme again, aren't you! There's another level to the Sharingan, isn't there! And you need Sakura-chan to do it, don't you! DON'T YOU! Why are you after a date with Sakura-chan! WE WANT THE TRUTH, YOU… YOU… YOU… YOU BASTARD!!"

"Because I want to torture you." Itachi replied nonchalantly.  
"Wha... WHAT!" Sasuke gritted his teeth.

"You are verrrrrry slow when it comes to girls, Sasuke." Itachi added, "I know you like this girl and if stealing her from you will make you even angrier then so be it!"

"Itachi, I'm going to...!"

"Or are you afraid to admit to the world that you have a big silly crush on Haruno Sakura!" Itachi pointed to the pink-haired blushing girl sitting on the stool.

There was a loud jeering from the audience and Sasuke felt awkward. If there were a right time to kill Itachi, it would be now.

"Sasuke-kun, is that true???" Sakura muttered, bumping her index fingers together and looking away bashfully.

Sasuke gulped. Itachi was a pain in the neck. A pain in the neck... A total pain in the neck!

"I AM AN AVENGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!" Sasuke yelled and lunged with a kunai at Itachi. The older Uchiha got out of the way and chopped Sasuke from behind. The little brother fumbled forward and lost his balance before Itachi launched him with a kick.

"Sasuke, I am much, much, MUCH prettier than you are." Itachi muttered to Sasuke.  
"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" Sasuke somersaulted in mid-air and landed behind Itachi, "That's not true! I'M the cute one! The cute, adorable one!!"

"No, you're not."  
"Yes, I am!"  
"Are not!"  
"Am to!"  
"ARE NOT!"  
"AM TO!"

"Fine then, let's allow Sakura to decide!" Itachi finally said and all eyes turned to Sakura. There was a sudden hush.

_Me, Sakura! ME! ME! MEEEEEEEE!!_ Sasuke's inner self was waving its hands wildly.

Wait, he had an inner self?

"I... uh... I..." Sakura muttered, her eyes getting shifty to avoid Sasuke's stare, "I..."  
There were various responses from the audience. Some were chanting "Sasuke" and others "Itachi"... But there was a loud voice shouting, "LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" 

Well, at least we knew who that was.

"Don't be afraid to tell the truth, Sakura-chan..." Itachi began walking towards Sakura, "Tell him." Itachi took her hands and stared at her with his red eyes, "Tell him it's me."

Sasuke blinked at Itachi. Sakura was staring at him almost lovingly. Had he lost Sakura to Itachi?

Wait, he was hearing something thumping really hardly as if wanting to explode. Oh, okay, that was his heart.

Wait again, his _heart_?

Sasuke blinked. Lose Sakura to Itachi? Rubbish. He couldn't… could he?

Then it dawned on him, "ITACHI, YOU BASTARD! DON'T USE THE MANGEKYOU ON HEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!" Then Sasuke kicked off from the ground and tackled Itachi. Sakura gasped, snapping out of her short trance, finding Sasuke choking Itachi on the floor.

"Cheater, cheater, cheater!" Sasuke yelled at his older brother, "I won't lose to you! NOT EVER AGAIN!!"

Then Sasuke leapt off his brother and ran towards Sakura saying, "Sakura-chan, let's call this a night!" And before anyone could say anything else, Sasuke pulled her by the waist and kissed her firmly. The audience cheered and jeered. It was then that Sasuke realized what he had done.

The moment he released Sakura, she fainted.

Way to go, Sasuke.

"Sasuke and Sakura under a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" The audience chanted, "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P!!"  
"Oh, snap." Sasuke muttered as he turned red.

He hurriedly searched his mind for any time-reversing or time-traveling jutsu or erase-erase-erase no jutsu but found none. His mind was in panic as he stared at the girl who looked _dead_. Well, he could faint now.

Faint now. Faint now. Dammit, body, just COLLAPSE!

"Huh?" Lee popped out of his cubicle, "What's going on?? Did I miss anything?"

---

"Sasuke-kun, hurry!" Sakura sat on the couch and turned on the TV with the remote, "There's the opening!"  
"I don't want to watch..." Sasuke crawled beside her and covered his head with a small pillow.  
"Shh! It's starting!"

The whole of Konohagakure watched the Dating Game where Sasuke went berserk. And with that, the whole of Konohagakure knows that Uchiha Sasuke kissed Haruno Sakura and that he actually had a big crush on her. It was the worst Dating Game episode but it was definitely the most memorable one.

Author: And this is like my worst SasuSaku fic ever. slaps forehead


End file.
